therapy.

Have you ever just suddenly realised that you've accomplished nothing in life? That you're just living life for the sake of living, without any passion, without any motivation, without any inspiration? It's sad, and oddly funny, how I sit here at 10.57PM writing this having just realised this very fact. I wish I knew what came over me to make me have this sudden epiphany. Maybe it's the fact that since working for Noise Singapore, I've met so many passionate, talented people who are out there achieving their dreams, or the very realization that the only thing that has kept me grounded for so long was just a sad, sad lie.

I suppose I'll touch on the latter, because it's what's making me utterly introspective and upset. Friendships. People who know me, whether well or not, are aware that I value my friendships a lot. I appreciate my friends and I go way beyond to make them feel special and loved. Yet, I just realised that I can't say, with absolutely certainty, that I mean anything to anyone. It's not that I don't have friends, because I do, I have numerous. It's never been hard for me to have friends because by nature, I'm extroverted and sociable. The hard part is actually retaining them, or actually having a deeper friendship. I'm extremely adept at screwing things up. I start to have expectations of my friends, and I start to become overtly protective. I wish I could apologise for either, and I have, on numerous occasions, but I've always believed that if my friends were true, it would be something they would accept and not pick on.

I've always thought of changing. I've always thought of having friendships with zero expectations, of having friendships where I didn't give a flying fuck what happened to them, but that wouldn't be me. And if I changed just to retain a friendship, then frankly, that friendship isn't worth saving.

That said, I miss some people terribly. I'm not going to bother changing names or hiding their identities because for once, I'm not ashamed at all for my feelings. I've always felt stupid for loving people and making them a priority in my life when, as cliche as this is, I was only their option. So yes, honestly, part of what made me pretty upset today was the fact that Alizul brought Farhan up. He said James Barker (lead guitarist of Godzilla) looked like Farhan. And though I would like to reiterate that this is 0% true because they look dissimilar, it set off something in me. I think that for the longest damn time, I was sidelining this issue. I wrote a story about it and then I buried it. But it doesn't change the fact that I care for him and it hurts that he moved on a lot faster than I probably will. I would like to be angry with him, because anger is a lot easier to handle than sadness, but I'm not. It's pathetic but I'm pretty sure I've already forgiven him. The person I can't forgive is myself, because I allowed myself to be treated as shitty as he treated me, I allowed myself to be selfless when it came to him. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for all the failed friendships I've had, to be honest. I think back about the amazing friendships I had with people like Ren Hui, Marie, Haikel and I just hate myself for letting things turn out the way they did.

Also, I'm pretty sure I fucked my A levels up. I've tried to convey this to others whom I regarded as my friends but they dismissed it as "bullshit" because apparently I'm "smart". I would agree, because I guess in some respect, I am aware that I'm considered smart to my teachers, my peers, my family, my juniors, whoever. But being smart brings me absolutely nowhere because I'm unmotivated. And that's another reason, I gather, for my epiphany. I miss the young me. The me that was crazy motivated, had many dreams, and made so many promises to myself to achieve it. University abroad, migrate to a country with a good literary market, become an accomplished writer. I look at myself now and I'm nowhere near. If it's even possible, I'm further away.

The saddest part? I think I'm done. I think I'm done with dreams. I think I'm just going to go through life as unmotivated and jaded as I am now. Cos I'm, in essence, just freaking done with everything and everyone.